Self Talk

Do you ever have so many messages coming in at you that you can no longer even hear them?  Suddenly you cannot even think.

I know she thinks I am ignoring her.

I just can't fathom another conversation with another human being tonight.  Not one more word.  Honestly. 

I love her though. 

Seeing Red

When I first met S she told me about how her ex-partners.

A lot. 

I mean she had a lot of them and she told me a lot about them a lot of the time.  It would be in the context of trying to explain to me how compatible she knew we were... because of how incompatible she was with the others.  I think that was the logic.  Maybe not on a conscious level, but I do feel somewhere that it existed.

S and I used to joke about her ex-partner who fought with her at the market over bread.  I guess S wanted one kind, and Ex wanted a different.  I see no issue here; get both.  For them, though, there were issues... obviously, that extended far beyond bread.  They fought over "bread."  I remember promising S that I would never fight over bread - that we could just get as many kinds as we wanted.

Yesterday while shopping for food for the weekend - which involves a lot of stress for me because it is a lot of "unsafe" food - because the kids are here all weekend - S and I fought over .... bread.

A little background:  I have just come off a 3 day migraine which I attribute to not following my gluten free (GF) diet.  This is the second time I've had this migraine and can attribute it to my diet.  I've been a long time migraineur, but have only recently been able to link some of my physical symptoms to my diet.  Mainly gluten.

The argument was over the cost of GF hamburger buns.  I only wanted to purchase GF buns and make everyone eat the same thing.  It would cost around $11. to do this (2 pkgs).  S thought this was crazy and thought we should get regular buns for the kids.  I am not sure what is cheaper.  Buying the regular and the GF - and throwing away the regular ones which inevitably go moldy on the counter?  Or buying GF that will stay in the freezer and get eaten.

I was furious.  Part of me feels like she doesn't "believe" that I am gluten intolerant... or maybe even fucking ALLERGIC.  I'll continue...

At dinner, I made GF noodles to go with the shrimp scampi.  I never told anyone, and everyone ate them just fine.  ALL of the kids.  One of the kids asked me about my gluten intolerance at dinner though and asked, "Mom, does gluten make people sick?"  I told her that YES, it can... it just depends on who you are.

Then S said, "It can make people sick like peppers and gravy make you sick."

Holy fucking mother of passive aggressive gods.  This is the child that S and I joke behind her back who is NOT allergic to peppers and gravy but THINKS she is because she overindulged one time and got sick.  We know she isn't "allergic."  We play along though and pick out all the red peppers from her salad.

So now my gluten intolerance is reduced to that?

Then yesterday and today S starts telling me how "bad [my] shoulders are."  I thought she just wanted a reason to massage me.  But this morning she took it further to say, with a smirk... "You're shoulders are so bad, I think your migraine came from your shoulders..."

I am seeing red. 

I am getting bitter.

I can't wait for the kids to leave on Sunday so we can have a long talk.

Oh...  and we got both kinds of bread yesterday.

Saboteur

I ruin everything.  And if I can't destroy it; I will walk away from it.  Abandon whatever good is left.

I've not been feeling well, not eating well, and now treating my lover less than kindly.  After talking to my BFF I feel like I may not be over-reacting.  It always feels better to talk to her.  Justified.

And somehow I feel like staying.

In my attempt to regain control, I took an honest inventory of our finances.  I know exactly how much money we owe, how much we spend, and how much we earn.  I thought this would calm down my racing anxieties.  But shockingly - (sarcasm) - it did not.  And now I'm doing that thing again where I am taking inventory of how many calories I eat.

 And now I have a gym membership too. 

So, let us begin.  All over again...

This is exhausting but somehow comforting, like coming home to your criticizing mother.  Familiar. 

This is all I can write for now.