Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Coming Clean

Wife had a fucking breakdown over "The Secrets" tonight.  She's away, not home... we had this talk via the phone so it totally sucked.  The discussion was over the money actually.  She feels like I'm keeping secrets or being secretive with my money.  And I wonder... if I am. 

I've become more withdrawn lately, in all things.  And I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to.  I think she is intimidated to talk to me.  So she let these feelings build up inside, fester, and they turned to resentment and finally anger.

I'm not keeping any money from her, and I'm not keeping secrets from her.

Oh that.

Well, yes, I lie that I've eaten when I haven't, and I throw food away.  I fixate on preparing her special meals and then I don't eat with her under the falsehood that I've got another stomach ache.  I weigh myself when she isn't home.  With a scale that I have hidden.

There's that.

So we talked about the money stuff... and the secrecy about my checking account... and how deposits will be handled... and how bills will be payed .... etc. But not about that.  In my gut I know she is sensing the secrecy of my ED, and she is keenly aware of my anorectic behaviors.  I know that that is what she is really wanting to discuss, needing me to tell her, and begging for me to come clean about.

But I can't.

What if that is the one thing that will scare her away... finally.  Because I keep waking up, and going to bed, with the intruding thought that she is going to eventually give up - and leave.  She is eventually going to figure out that I am crazy.  Like really crazy.  Like diagnostically significant crazy.  Batshit crazy.  Not just "fun mom" and "good in bed" crazy... but basically one breakdown away from hospitalization CRAZY.  Then she leaves.  That's what is going to happen.

What if I tell her my Secret and she laughs at me.  Or she is mad at me.  Or she ... tries to make me stop.  I guess that is the bottom line here.  I'm not ready for health.  Because in the end, I may be crazy - but I am also smart.  And I know how to be healthy.  I all the right words to tell doctors, nurses, and shrinks.  I know why I am feelings so sick right now... and still I am *choosing* illness over health.  I am still choosing Secrecy over the Truth.  I am still choosing my ED over me.

I just don't know why.  Not yet.  Will I ever?

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